The Vicar's Wife's Husband - monologue based on Bed among the Lentils

Geoffrey has near-grey hair, is quite short and wearing a vicar’s uniform; he is in the church, reorganising bibles on the pews after a Sunday morning service

Geoffrey: That was a lovely service, brilliant it was. Mrs Hilary told me that last night she was visited by her late husband, in the form of God of course, and he told her, I’ll tell you what he told her. He said to come to church today, like normal, and pray. Pray the hardest she’s ever prayed and something good will come to her. And believe it or not, while Mrs Shrubsole was cleaning out the vestry this morning, she found Mrs Hilary’s favourite scarf! The one that had been missing since last Halloween. I tell you what, that’s a blessing from Jesus, expelling all the evil. Today we discussed Matthew 28:19.

He sits down on a pew and opens a bookmarked bible and reads from it with a loud, clear voice

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” I like to think of all my parish people as disciples, I preach to them and they are inspired. 

Geoffrey puts the bible down, gets up and slowly walks around, admiring the church as he continues to speak 

Mrs Hilary and our newest member of the church, Ms Applegate – poor thing never got married – were ever so keen to help me organise the charity cake sale. We’d have fruit cake, chocolate cake and a nice bit of Victoria sponge, I like a bit of everything really but you just… you can’t beat a Victoria sponge. Hopefully we’d raise enough money to get those fancy speakers put in around the church so when I speak, even people in the narthex will hear me!

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

Geoffrey is sat in his study on Sunday evening, drinking tea and planning the cake sale

Susan, my wife, made me a lovely shepherd’s pie; she is good at the sort of thing really, however so unenthusiastic about the church. I wish… I wish she wouldn’t take what she has for granted. She is married to the- to the face of the community… I suppose. What a wonderful opportunity she has. 

He puts his pen down and pauses for a moment

She seems to be spending too much time away from home for my liking, a woman should be at home making sure everything is in order – she doesn’t have to be at the supermarket or the off-license all the time. I’m sure we could just live off all the leftover yummy treats from the cake sale!

Geoffrey chuckles to himself cheekily

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

The following Saturday afternoon, after the cake sale, Geoffrey is stood outside the church clearing up the tables used for the cake sale 

The cake sale went down a treat, if you’ll pardon the pun! We’re all a family really, everyone chipped in, even just with a few little cakes. Susan took one small bite out of a coconut cake and then seemed to disappear off into the church in the direction of the cupboards. Hmm. Whatever could she be doing in there? Geoffrey pauses. Nevertheless, it was a great success and we were only a couple of tens of pounds away from our target, I’m sure Susan wouldn’t mind chipping in, after all she doesn’t really do anything anyway. 

She isn’t like other wives. Doting wives. Caring mothers. Well, we never had any children, Susan didn’t want to be burdened with this “duty” she was so fearful of, of being the “traditional house wife”. But I don’t understand – she cooks, cleans, shops– Henry pauses for a few seconds and begins to think. Maybe this is why she is so unhappy; this isn’t the life she wanted. At all. But that makes it… my fault. All my fault? Did I force her into something that she didn’t want? No. This couldn’t be because of me…

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

That evening, Geoffrey is stood outside the cupboard in the church having discovered that Susan has drunk all the wine, he holds two empty bottles as he sits at a pew

I ruined everything for her. I don’t make her happy. Now she turns to this, wine is very sacred. Not something to drink regularly and worse, become dependent on. I don’t mean to make it her responsibility to help me run the church, but that’s just… normal. What’s expected of a vicar’s wife. From now on, I’m going to put Susan first. I need to look after her and make sure she’s alright before things get worse. I mean, what else could be going on that I don’t know about?...