The Vicar's Wife's Husband - monologue based on Bed among the Lentils

Geoffrey has near-grey hair, is quite short and wearing a vicar’s uniform; he is in the church, reorganising bibles on the pews after a Sunday morning service

Geoffrey: That was a lovely service, brilliant it was. Mrs Hilary told me that last night she was visited by her late husband, in the form of God of course, and he told her, I’ll tell you what he told her. He said to come to church today, like normal, and pray. Pray the hardest she’s ever prayed and something good will come to her. And believe it or not, while Mrs Shrubsole was cleaning out the vestry this morning, she found Mrs Hilary’s favourite scarf! The one that had been missing since last Halloween. I tell you what, that’s a blessing from Jesus, expelling all the evil. Today we discussed Matthew 28:19.

He sits down on a pew and opens a bookmarked bible and reads from it with a loud, clear voice

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” I like to think of all my parish people as disciples, I preach to them and they are inspired. 

Geoffrey puts the bible down, gets up and slowly walks around, admiring the church as he continues to speak 

Mrs Hilary and our newest member of the church, Ms Applegate – poor thing never got married – were ever so keen to help me organise the charity cake sale. We’d have fruit cake, chocolate cake and a nice bit of Victoria sponge, I like a bit of everything really but you just… you can’t beat a Victoria sponge. Hopefully we’d raise enough money to get those fancy speakers put in around the church so when I speak, even people in the narthex will hear me!

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

Geoffrey is sat in his study on Sunday evening, drinking tea and planning the cake sale

Susan, my wife, made me a lovely shepherd’s pie; she is good at the sort of thing really, however so unenthusiastic about the church. I wish… I wish she wouldn’t take what she has for granted. She is married to the- to the face of the community… I suppose. What a wonderful opportunity she has. 

He puts his pen down and pauses for a moment

She seems to be spending too much time away from home for my liking, a woman should be at home making sure everything is in order – she doesn’t have to be at the supermarket or the off-license all the time. I’m sure we could just live off all the leftover yummy treats from the cake sale!

Geoffrey chuckles to himself cheekily

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

The following Saturday afternoon, after the cake sale, Geoffrey is stood outside the church clearing up the tables used for the cake sale 

The cake sale went down a treat, if you’ll pardon the pun! We’re all a family really, everyone chipped in, even just with a few little cakes. Susan took one small bite out of a coconut cake and then seemed to disappear off into the church in the direction of the cupboards. Hmm. Whatever could she be doing in there? Geoffrey pauses. Nevertheless, it was a great success and we were only a couple of tens of pounds away from our target, I’m sure Susan wouldn’t mind chipping in, after all she doesn’t really do anything anyway. 

She isn’t like other wives. Doting wives. Caring mothers. Well, we never had any children, Susan didn’t want to be burdened with this “duty” she was so fearful of, of being the “traditional house wife”. But I don’t understand – she cooks, cleans, shops– Henry pauses for a few seconds and begins to think. Maybe this is why she is so unhappy; this isn’t the life she wanted. At all. But that makes it… my fault. All my fault? Did I force her into something that she didn’t want? No. This couldn’t be because of me…

[Fade out]

[Fade in]

That evening, Geoffrey is stood outside the cupboard in the church having discovered that Susan has drunk all the wine, he holds two empty bottles as he sits at a pew

I ruined everything for her. I don’t make her happy. Now she turns to this, wine is very sacred. Not something to drink regularly and worse, become dependent on. I don’t mean to make it her responsibility to help me run the church, but that’s just… normal. What’s expected of a vicar’s wife. From now on, I’m going to put Susan first. I need to look after her and make sure she’s alright before things get worse. I mean, what else could be going on that I don’t know about?...

Bed among the Lentils - analysis

What key information do we learn about Susan from the opening stage directions?

She is a vicar’s wife who is noticeably thin and nervous. The stage directions make the assumption that she smokes.

What does Susan’s language reveal about her age, social class and attitudes?

Susan uses proper English, for example, “and from whom no secrets are hid,” which suggests she has a fairly high social status. This use of correct language also suggests she is nearing old age because stereotypically, the older you are, the more well-spoken you are. In addition, she speaks very slowly with many pauses and simple sentences which could mean she is middle aged/elderly because the younger you are, the faster you talk, and as you age, you tend to slow down. She blatantly has a strong dislike for the church, “I didn’t actually nod off, though I have heard it before.”

Which techniques has Bennet employed to make this sound like spontaneous speech?

Bennet uses punctuation effectively to show Susan’s vast amount of pauses, “I top off a thrill-packed morning by taking round Meals on Wheels… somehow – ‘and this to me is the miracle,’ says Geoffrey – ‘somehow managing to rustle up a delicious lunch in the interim. Bennet also uses consecutive simple sentences, “A god. Not the God. Not the definite article.” These techniques are all used to show that she is thinking carefully about what she is saying it, showing that possibly, she means every word she says.

Identify any moments of humor and explain what makes them funny.

Susan has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor, especially when describing her day – “I kick off by changing the wheel on the Fiesta,” and later, “I top off a thrill-packed morning by taking round Meals on Wheels.” So she makes what she does sound exciting by using phrases such as “kick off” and “thrill-packed” which sound energetic and interesting but she is actually describing very dull activities. Also, Susan is very negative, “looks a bit more fun than Jesus anyway,” so she is constantly referring back to religion and her distaste for it. As well as this, she uses specific lexis when making jokes, “it’s Mary Magdalen and the Nivea cream all over again,” that few people would understand unless they had read the bible. However the hints of comedy are useful for involving the reader and making the text feel slightly more light-hearted.

Identify any moments of pathos (sadness) and explain what is significant about them.

Susan refers to her drinking problem when she informs the audience that she has just been to the off-license and the cashier didn’t smile at her – “I can’t think why. I spend enough.” This is emotive because Susan is deeply reflecting on the fact that not only does she depend on alcohol; she is losing a lot of money because of it. She continues to emotionally inform the audience of her unhappy life by saying, “once upon a time I had my life planned out…” and then explains how she would have liked her life to have been which is upsetting for her because she describes a life of independence but with a happy marriage which is the antithesis of what she actually has. So quite often there is a very melancholy tone to this monologue.

How does Bennet hint or foreshadow events in the narrative?

In the opening few paragraphs, there are many references to sex – “the sermon was about sex” and “marriage gives the OK to sex” as well as “gifted with all this sex.” This greatly foreshadows that she later, is going to have

Cypriot Journey Through the North - travel writing

In 1983, the Turks sailed across the Mediterranean Sea and seized Northern Cyprus and the current residents were left to flee to the safety of the south. After Turkey had proclaimed this destitute land, it was left untreated and uncared for many decades with few complex’s being built; however the ones that were, were alluring. In 2012, my family and I were travelling through the same deficient place in hopes of reaching the charming and radiant villa we had booked earlier that year. 

Once we had departed the airport and attained our small, sleek silver hire car, we made our journey through the wilderness. Tumbleweeds drove along beside us, but anxiety grew inside as we realised we had gone astray. Colossal grey fences bordered the dry roads as we arrived at the United Nations Peacekeeping Force; gun warnings plastered the fences and the mood dropped like an apple from a tree as we attempted to re-route ourselves. 

Shockingly, we managed to drive straight through the border crossing into the north. Immigration officials shouted at us and signalled to us with much haste. Nothing a simple U-turn couldn’t fix. Our passports were checked and we were given our 90 day visas. Before we could blink, we had reached the wasteland. Dotted around the broad, flat landscape were microscopic buildings, houses possibly? The worn wooden shacks presented no windows or homely-touches such as plants or flowers, just emptiness. We continued our journey through the north.
 

Time was endless and the scorching sun made me debate whether the denim Levi shorts I was wearing were appropriate for enduring the heat. Then we all had that feeling again, the anxious panic that had occurred previously. However this time we had ventured even further from the security of the south. But wait. As we came to a halt, in front of us lay a small Mexican-style village. The houses were poorly built however much better in comparison to the foregoing abandoned ones. The buildings stood adjacent to each other and through the space of sandy coloured rock that separated them came a tribe of speeding goats rushing to their trough. Any authentic Mexican-style town has an elderly lady with grey lengthy hair tied into a loose mounded bun sat on a small wooden chair outside her family home knitting her own clothes. This is precisely what we saw. After calling the owner of the villa we were staying at for directions, we were back on the right track. Soon we were zooming through luscious green mountains travelling to the crystal clear coast that we could see off in the distance. 

At last. We had finally “reached our destination” just as the sun drew in for the night. We pulled into the drive of an exquisite villa surrounded with impressive, blossoming shrubberies in all areas and then made our way through the newly-renovated interior of the entrance and kitchen and into the spectacular outdoor grounds where a glistening pool performed as the centre piece of the garden. Surrounding the swimming pool were beautifully laid out deck chairs as well as a bright yellow hammock swinging in the sunshine. The mountains peered down onto a picturesque set of table and chairs, shaded by a quaint wooden gazebo. The diversity of the rocks and plants perfected the astounding views and I couldn’t help but think the four hour drive was worth encountering for the week I was going to spend here.

Armstrong and Miller (Chalky's a Spy) - Short Analysis

The Armstrong and Miller sketch (Chalky's a Spy) is interesting and original, mostly because the two characters speak using proper English in terms of their dialect, however, the extraordinary addition the writer has made is the informal lexis he gets the characters to act out. They use teenage-associated phrases such as, "harsh", "or whatever" and "some shit like that".

This is ironic because for men with such formal accents discussing a very serious topic, the writer has chosen the least obvious words to use and the purpose of doing this is to make the audience laugh as the genre is strictly comedy and has no informative purpose.

Lexis and semantics analysis of Charlie Brooker The Voice blog

I have been asked to choose one of the grammar frameworks we have been studying and with that in mind, analyse a particular article - here is a link http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/31/voice-not-just-talent-contest

When considering lexis and semantics in this article, the author, Charlie Brooker, isn't afraid to present his feelings using strong adjectives like in the line, "a man who pulls off the incredible trick of looking precisely like an action-figure of himself." In addition, he uses colloquial and extremely informal lexis, "involving stadium gigs and blowjobs on yachts" to attract attention which helps him to get his point across that he is highly unimpressed with the series. Brooker is also trying to humor the audience to get them on his side so they can have a shared opinion of The Voice. Due to the genre he writes in (blog-style), this non-standard lexis is very much expected.

An introduction to me (sort of)/travel writing

There are 2 kinds of people, the ones who want to get out there and spend every day wisely and the ones who’d like nothing better than to spend the summer sat on their backsides eating junk and enjoying Netflix. That’s me. I’m your typical teenager, only I have the strangest name ever which I absolutely hate. I was going about my amazing 9 weeks off with no worries whatsoever with little to do. But I’d arranged a break (from my break) with my also-unadventurous friends.

It was an early start and we were all adequately on time for our train, despite one of our friends, Matt, somehow leaving various items of clothing and money dotted around BS16 – all of which were found by the time we had to catch our train to Caerydd. Chugging along through Newport’s ‘dodgy ends’ wasn’t a highlight but soon we had bigger problems when we found ourselves in bustling Cardiff Centre, unfamiliar with our vivid and busy surroundings; but soon we saw the beacon that is McDonald’s and we began to feel more at home.

Next we were off to find our Youth Hostel, yes, a Youth Hostel – having money is a rare occurrence for unemployed sixteen-year-olds. In this century, with all the “great technology available nowadays”, finding where we needed to be was no trouble; it was getting there that seemed impossible. Road after road, estate after estate, each time we thought we’d found it, each time we were disappointed.

It was an alright room, decent for one night I suppose, but the lime green en-suite was bigger than the bedroom itself, the bathroom windows gave everyone on the main road access to viewing you on the toilet and my boyfriend Joe even broke the toilet handle within the first ten minutes of our arrival, and later, so did our friend Jack. How I’d much rather be in my own bed binge-watching. But it wasn’t all bad; we had people to meet and a gig to attend.

After waiting in a long line full of scene kids and band freaks for almost two hours we made it into the stadium packed with thousands of devoted fans. Regardless of having to stand up for 5 hours without escape or water, I respected this challenge because in life, struggle is unavoidable but you will be rewarded by it in the end.

Much more happened over that two day period such as more McDonald’s, dealing with homesickness and even more travelling (buses and taxis) as we watched our money grow tiny wings and fly away, but I’m trying to condense this story into one simple lesson. Going away and having to take care of myself gave me a brilliant learning experience as well as ending the summer with my friends in a significant and memorable way. I believe that it’s experiences like this that shapes who we are and who I am.